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Awakening the Masculine Heart

By Kevin & Donna 

Just as the Heavenly Father and the Earthly Mother are bound together, your lives and hearts from this day forward, are connected and bound together, that you may grow in wisdom, respect and loving kindness - to strengthen and encourage each othher, support and comfort each other, until your journey on earth is complete. The ancient sage has said, ‘Your love contains the power of a thousand suns. It unfolds as naturally and effortlessly as does a flower, and graces the world with its blooming. Its beauty radiates a transforming energy that enlivens all who see it. Because of you, compassion and joy are added to the world. That is why the stars sing together -because of your love.’

-From Kevin & Donna’s Wedding Ceremony

Introduction: Male Sexuality - What Went Wrong?

Marriage can be a vehicle for satisfaction and awakening, a path to fulfilling the deepest longing for spiritual connection with God, nature and the presence of the Stream of Life. A man and a woman, joined together at the heart are capable of tremendous growth, offering one another the greatest opportunity to discover the essential consciousness - the most fulfilling, natural state of being. Relationship is an incredible means of achieving profound peace, yet requires nurturing and care. To be of one mind, they must share the same goals in life, the same outcome, and want to achieve it together.

For a man, this journey is perhaps the most difficult path to walk. Boys are generally uneducated about matters of the heart. Instead, they are programmed from an early age to subdue their emotions, downplay their feelings and strive for success in material and intellectual endeavors. They are often not encouraged to be caretakers of the natural world, simple and spiritually adept, but rather, are enticed by stimulation and promises of excitement, race cars, boats, sports, fast women, drugs, meat eating, on and on… Girls are more accepted as nurturers, naturally heartful and compassionate, but cultural influences, even today, still do not promote softness in men. The stereotypical male is portrayed as a warrior, gladiator, muscular athlete, stiff-shirt CEO with a gigantic portfolio. It isn’t popular or fashionable to be gentle and wise like Jesus, Buddha or Gandhi, but rather, to appear tough, daring, bold, courageous and resourceful. Such programming creates men who become self-absorbed, spiritually immature, and ever ready to do battle or prevail over enemies and nature. Modern industrialization is a direct result of this attitude to conquer the natural world, to predict and control life. And yet the cost of such folly has been the closing of the masculine heart, the uprising of patriarchal religious oppression, the suppression of the feminine aspect of life and the commonplace chaos and violence in the world today.

This violence can play out in overt or covert ways, especially in the realm of sexuality. One need only look at the glorification of the latest popular body shape of models, the onslaught of pornography and the decline of family solidarity in order to get a glimpse of the symptoms of sexual dysfunction between men and women. And yet, underneath the make-up and fashion, women possess a natural and subtle power that remains hidden from most men’s awareness in our modern society.

In his book, Tantric Quest, Daniel Odier quotes the teachings of his mentor, Devi, who said:

“The normal male orgasm is an act of violence against the woman. It’s an expression of male impotence, using this brief pleasure like a knife to take a stab at all that’s hidden deep within her infinitely capable body. When the tantrika discovers that his pleasure is no longer bound up with coming as quickly as possible, too quickly to satisfy a woman, he discovers all the richness of his feminine side. And discovering that, he rises to the power of the woman and the part. Even the subtlest lovers, if they don’t know the secrets of Tantric sadhana, are privy to only the smallest part of the pleasure they could give. The male body is numbed by the localization of pleasure in the penis alone, while most women know overall pleasure without doing any apprenticeship at all.”

In my life, it has been a difficult climb out of the darkened world of male-dominant thinking toward the softening light of feminine heart-power - a journey that I would like to share and hope that other men might consider and follow. For there is no other worthwhile attainment in this world for men than the sacred pilgrimage toward the awakening of the masculine heart, for in that we can experience the harmonization of the split within us. This split is not only a physiological one, but is at its’ core, a spiritual one.

When we men live with closed hearts, reacting to situations from purely mechanical and emotionally immature programming, we cannot glimpse the wholeness and sacredness of nature or experience true fulfillment or ultimate and sustained sexual satisfaction with women. Inevitably, we men must embrace women in new ways if we are to complete the mysterious circuit that gives power to us both.

When the “male” stands apart from the “female” there is no union between them, but when they are together, of one mind, truly bound, they are centered like iron in the hemoglobin of blood, the elixir of the heart. Instead of separate, they become:


Centered, satisfied and bound together.

It has taken me a long time to figure out what went wrong with male sexuality. How did our hearts become closed and walled up and why is it that females tend to be more accessible to their heart power and nurturing ability? Finding the answer required my looking back to childhood.

From the moment we are conceived as little boys we are bound biologically to our mother. The first sensation is being suckled by her quickening breasts, the closeness of her warm body, heartbeat, smell. From our mother we draw nourishment, comfort and most of all, love. Over time we grow apart from mother and move into a wider field of the stimulation of siblings, father, grandparents, and friends, all of whom either contribute to our feelings of acceptance and comfort or un-acceptance and discomfort. If we start off secure and safe our tender and innocent hearts are open and receptive. But as we become more involved in the interactions of others, school, religious dogma, peer pressure and society, more and more is expected of us, causing a gradual walling off of our spontaneity and heartfulness. Eventually we may become hardened, bitter, competitive, self-absorbed, lacking confidence, aggressive, developing one or more of dozens of psychological or pathological disorders, all of which contribute to the demise of our original state of innocence, trust and security. And yet, in our modern society with its clinical, scientific, medicalized influences, many of us may have never had the experience of comfort and satisfaction from our mothers, and so we start off with an even greater disadvantage. During the latter part of the twentieth century there has been a reduction in mother/child bonding, consequences of our fast-track society.

The modern, industrialized male tends to suffer a certain level of dissatisfaction in his relationship to women because he has unknowingly acquired a hardened and closed heart. Though not entirely his own fault, this must eventually be acknowledged and reversed within us if we want to fully experience a more satisfying, sacred communion with life, especially our own bodies, nature, children and most importantly, women. So many men have lived and died sorrowful, unfulfilled lives because they have not touched the mysterious power of the feminine aspect of life.

At a primeval level, man (whether genetically homosexual or not) deeply desires woman, because her vital, energetic essences are complementary to that of a male. And nothing else can bring him the pleasure and satisfaction on this planet than the sweetness of full bodied, erotic passion with a female who loves, desires and cherishes him. This is a rite that must be earned; it cannot be taken by force or bought through prostitution or coercion. The deep heartfelt longing for woman can only come through loving devotion and the embrace of ones’ own connection with the Beloved.©

Of course this may not be the case for all men and women. But across the large spectrum of diverse personalities it is safe to generalize the distinct differences between the sexes. Women tend to function on a feeling level (right brain) while men tend to function on an intellectual or logical reasoning level (left-brain). And on an even subtler level, women respond from their heart and intuitive centers (4th & 5th chakras) while men respond from their sexual and power centers (2nd & 3rd chakras).

This is why it has been so difficult for males and females to understand one another. For example, because a woman’s heart center (between the breasts) is dominant, she feels comforted and loved when a man shows her respect and affection, is interested in spending time with her, walking together, talking, snuggling, holding hands, watching a sunset, listening to music, dancing, sipping wine, cooking together, etc. But a man, whose emotions tend to dwell predominantly in his sexual and power centers (between the navel and the anus) feels comforted and loved when he gets to have sex or participates in some competitive endeavor.

The fact is that men do not understand the heart-center of women and women do not understand the generative center of men. And finding a bridge to understanding the other is crucial if there is to be real satisfaction and fulfillment in relationship. Ask almost any woman what she feels about a man’s generative organ and she will probably say she doesn’t care much for it. Women have been so de-humanized and devalued during the last three thousand years that it should be no surprise that they feel so much animosity toward sexuality, especially with men. Women either suppress their own sexuality by focusing on art, religion, school, children or career or they use sexuality to gain power over men. In either case, the vast majority of women in the world are emotionally, spiritually and sexually frustrated, immature, dissatisfied or unfulfilled because men do not know how to love them truly. Consequently, it is this lack of knowledge that perpetually makes men feel sexually dissatisfied and feeling the need to have intercourse as much as possible.

When I discovered for myself what had been missing in my past relationships with women, I was able to make contact with my own heart-center and enter the realm of true marriage in spiritual-sexual communion with my wife Donna. I have found that the secret to a satisfying marriage does not require special knowledge of sexual techniques, retention or lovemaking positions. Though these may be useful at certain levels, the important mystery is one of attitude and understanding the power of the feminine and taking on the proper, masculine role in relationship to a woman. Inevitably a man must see and understand how a woman is put together, what her purpose is in the big picture, how she perceives and responds to the world, and then be willing to interact with her from that knowledge. If a man wants to benefit and enjoy the passionate delight, the sacred fruit of a woman’s love, he must be willing to be devoted to her for who she is and what she represents. He must be willing to be of service to woman.

To be of “service to woman” does not mean becoming her slave, or waiting on her hand and foot. Service, in this context means, “to care for, to honor and to respect”. The rampant escalation in our country of aggravated rape, domestic violence, pornography and child abuse, are all serious indicators that we men have failed to understand the importance of becoming “servants of life,” of embracing the Beloved in ourselves and others.

Simply stated, there are two ways to be of service to someone or something. One is by providing and protecting (such as caring for or protecting the environment or your family) and the other is by personal example (living your truth without compromise). In a greater sense we all need to learn how to live respectfully on this planet, to stop wasting resources like there is no tomorrow and the rampant consumption and disregard of our natural resources. The best place to begin is in our treatment of others, especially women.

Serving a woman begins with respect, treating her with kindness and consideration. Men should not use profanity in her presence. They should learn to do active listening…that is, when she is talking, they should listen to what she says without devaluing her point of view, giving advice, solutions or cures. In his book, P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training), Dr. Thomas Gordon lists all the things “not to do” when practicing active listening, not only with children, but also with everyone in life. The 12 things to avoid when someone is talking to you about their feelings are:

Ordering, directing, commanding

Warning, admonishing, threatening

Exhorting, moralizing , preaching

Advising, giving solutions or suggestions

Lecturing, teaching, giving logical arguments

Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming

Praising, agreeing

Name-calling, ridiculing, shaming

Interpreting, analyzing, diagnosing

Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling, supporting

Probing, questioning, interrogating

Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, diverting

What is left but to suspend judgment and practice emptiness...being like a mirror, reflecting back purely. This is one of the highest forms of service one can give another person. It is the only way we can truly understand or learn anything. Probably the most frequent complaint women express about their mates is that they don’t listen. The man is so busy trying to “access solutions” and “solve problems” that he fails to hear what she really wants, which is simply to be heard…period. She wants to share her feelings because that makes her feel loved and appreciated. The man doesn’t have to fix anything. Often all he needs to do is listen, saying something very neutral such as, “Hmm, I see. Yes, I understand how that makes you feel.”

When he can give her the space to express her thoughts and intimate feelings without trying to pull her down or fix her, offering instead his own intimate feelings, he validates her. She then feels honored and can safely open her heart and connect with him. Too often, though, the man may think she is asking him to offer solutions. He interprets that she is asking for solutions, but that is not generally the case. When women talk, it often sounds like they want solutions. But in actual truth, they are only trying to feel better. Talking things out is comforting and most women love to bond with each other in this way.

Women need to understand that it’s uncomfortable and unnatural for men to talk about things that bother them. Typically men feel better by withdrawing and not talking. Instead, they prefer working things out on their own. They do this by getting involved in projects, going for walks alone, doing yard work, driving or playing some sport, anything to help them process the uncomfortable feelings and come up with a solution to solve the problem. Among other men this is completely understood and works great. Men are always more than willing to give advice to one other, but that form of service generally doesn’t work well in relationship to women.

Men need to understand what it is that women want. For women to open themselves sexually they must have the assurance of a committed heart-connection. And that requires a level of intimacy through conversation and quality time together. Active listening, therefore, is an important skill for men to develop. If a man sits in front of the television or goes into his shop alone and doesn’t spend time with his wife, and withdraws from her when he has problems, the heart-connection cannot grow, and neither one of them can experience the bliss of sacred sexuality. Eventually, men need to teach themselves the skills necessary to connect with women at the heart level.

What’s heart got to do with it?

When women talk to one another, they discuss relationships, personal struggles, feelings, family, husbands, boy friends, girl friends, co-workers and children. These kinds of bonds are important to them because, from the heart-center, a woman is programmed biologically to be nurturing and giving. As they talk about their problems and feelings, there is a sense of caring or compassion among them. If a woman talks about a concern or problem, her friend often feels compassion or empathy for her situation. She doesn’t attempt to fix anything, she doesn’t get angry or irritable, often she’s just sad or happy, appropriate to the situation.

Men, on the other hand, are not generally heart centered. They tend to be power centered. So when they listen to someone talking about troubles or feelings, and not accepting their solutions, it may irritate them, or cause them to become cold and distant. If men offer advice and it isn’t accepted, they sometimes begin to feel unappreciated. The reason men do this is simple…their learned, socialized, cerebrospinal programming in our male-dominant society is still rooted in power, conquest and competition. The higher qualities of compassion, cooperation and heartfulness may often appear strange and foreign to them, but this is only because men have not been compelled to cultivate the feminine aspects that awaken the heart of the Beloved. Men can become heart- centered without risking their natural masculine expression.

Unfortunately, there are few places in western civilized culture where a man has the opportunity to learn and develop the skill of mindful, heartfelt interaction. There are no ritual rites of passage in our culture to shape an ungovernable youth toward something higher and better than his own self-interests. And military training can only provide surface-level transformation. It may make one obedient and respectful of authority, but is not capable of activating the heart of the Beloved. Modern religions have not proven to be any better either. They do not provide psychological transformation as effectively as civilizations past.

In some indigenous cultures, especially those that survive today, one can observe this transforming process toward the heart in young boys. Because primitive societies still rely on nature directly for sustenance and livelihood, it is possible to observe and learn from them, realizing what has gone wrong in modern society. This understanding must be adopted by Western societies so that sexual harmony between men and women can be restored.

Unlike the primitive cultures, boys brought up in modern, Western societies are not commonly mentored by older men, nor taught how to respect and care for women. In fact, during the 19th and 20th century there has been an even greater reduction of sacred ritual. In primitive societies, the elder males taught boys how to provide food, shelter and protection for the women. This is the way their tribes survived. The older men realized the awesome responsibility of caring for and loving women. So at the age of 13 or 14, the boys were taken from their mothers and put through rituals that were both painful and terrifying. Often they were circumcised, scarified or cut and bled to produce not only and altered body, symbolizing physical transformation, but psychological transformation as well. The whole point was to initiate them into the ranks of men, to instill in them the importance of living their lives in service to something higher and greater than themselves, namely life-principle, of which woman represents.

On a practical level, there are small things a man can do to restore harmony with a woman. He can attend to her comforts from time to time by bringing her water, tea or juice, offering to watch the children while she spends time for herself…. a thousand little things such as an encouraging card from or a quiet dinner date can make all the difference to her. He can wash his own dinner plates, surprise her and do the laundry sometimes, or bring her a little gift. These things show her he cares and is thinking about her. And he needs to understand, it is not the individual woman he is serving, it is life-principle. This is important- it is Life itself that he serves by his conscious attention and devotion, all of which, when done mindfully and with love, has the power to change his life experience from self-centeredness to self-realization.

This whole issue of serving woman is such an easy thing to understand. All of the problems between men and women (which make up most of the problems on the planet, reflecting the problem humans have with their relationship to the environment), come about because neither one knows how to close the gap between them. It always comes down to our false assumption concerning our self-identity, our false beliefs that by gaining things for ourselves, by being self-serving we can miraculously attain fulfillment and happiness.

If a man comes to a woman with his small mind, his self-identity or self-interests, then he cannot meet her beyond the body. He cannot meet her as life-principle. Instead, he meets her as an ordinary, individual woman, imperfect amid her opinions, beliefs, personality, etc. and he comes to her, not in the present moment, but absorbed by his own storehouse of memory and expectation. And where memory and expectation exist, there can be no pure love. Pure love can only exist now. Memory and expectation are psychological data banks filled with “past and future” thoughts.

For example, when two people make love, there is only feeling, sensation, and body consciousness. It is present moment experience. There is no ego involved. A man can make love and be of service to a woman only when he can come to her without an agenda, seeking to love her as god-woman or life-principle. If he tries to love her as “individual woman”, her opinions, ideas, thoughts, feelings and emotions will block him. But if he doesn’t come to her with any form of self-interest, he can love her purely whether or not she is capable of accepting that purity of love. He himself will be purified in his heart and mind because he has learned to honor God in the form of life-principle, and the woman is offered the opportunity to experience mercy, and the freedom to open her heart naturally.

If the women’s liberation movement was trying to promote equality for women, there is little evidence that it has succeeded, especially in relationship to sexuality. Many men still generally regard women as “the weaker sex”. Unfair wages in the marketplace, scores of pornographic material and the unmerciful and unnatural treatment of women by the western medical profession (higher insurance rates, abortion procedures, unnecessary hysterectomies, breast implants, cosmetic surgery, etc.) are all reflections of this attitude of the inferiority of women. The fact of the matter is that women are biologically and sexually superior to men, possessing more capacity for endurance of physical pain and stress and can achieve orgasm over and over without suffering the ill effects of depletion of vital essence. Understanding this, a man can begin to venerate the primordial power of womanhood and treat her with the respect she deserves as a representation of life-principle.

But sadly, because of the male-dominant civilization we live in, women have been trying to rise to an equal status with men, to earn enough money to become independent. They have sought to take care of themselves and their children, to be free from the shackles of relying on a man for survival and being his domestic servant. Unfortunately, there is little proof that women today are any more secure financially, emotionally or psychologically.

A radical shift in attitude is needed. Men must learn to serve women and women must learn to uplift men. These are the primeval and proper roles needed in our society in order to open the Great Heart, bringing the experience of sacred sexuality, and resulting in the satisfaction and bliss that is natural and possible when given the right attention and environment.

To honor life-principle in women gives a man the opportunity to fulfill his primary function, feel good about himself and develop spiritually. He should never think it means becoming inferior to women. In primitive cultures the role of the women were to nurture the children and take care of the family unit. They were grateful to the men for their abilities to protect, gather food, build shelters, and provide herbs and medicinal plants. The women instinctively and naturally uplifted and honored the strength of the men and in turn, the men served, protected and provided material basics for the women. Men served women in the sense that they took care of them just as a person cares for a garden and serves it by providing good soil, drainage, clean water and protection from predators. Men serve women so they can bring forth their feminine, life-generating qualities of heart, inspiration, compassion, beauty and nourishment.

The fundamental and most important thing men must realize is the importance and meaning of an open heart. An open heart is a natural quality resulting from something very mysterious and unique…our ability to embrace grief. In truth, all of us have unresolved issues, challenges to overcome, past pain, secret hurts, disappointment and unfulfilled desires. These influences have built our personalities, beliefs and opinions; they have shaped our experiences in the world. Our emotions cannot be merely ignored or brushed aside, they must be acknowledged and mercifully welcomed into our conscious minds otherwise we cannot recognize our wholeness. For women, these shadow pains are easily accessible, enabling them to develop strong, secure and satisfying bonds with each other. But this is not generally the case for men.

If a woman tries to get her man to talk about his feelings and open his heart to her, he will more times than not, shrug her off as quickly as he can. But, when a man really wants to have a fulfilling and satisfying, heartful sexual relationship with his wife, the most significant thing he has to realize is this:

Sexual encounters are not fulfilling to women unless there is an emotional heart-connection. Without a committed, heart-connection they will remain dissatisfied and inevitably learn to avoid physical contact with their husbands.

Now here is the secret. The way to the heart - as crazy as it may seem - is through grieving your pain. When I had mentioned this to one of my guy friends he said to me “That’s crazy, I don’t have anything to grieve about…everything is okay in my life…I’m in control.” At that point I decided to say nothing because I know that whenever a guy believes he doesn’t have any painful, emotional disappointments, past hurts or issues, then the case is closed. Only he can truly say what is and isn’t real within him. But in relationship to the woman in his life, she is not fooled. A woman knows if a man’s heart is open to her or not…believe it, she knows. A woman knows because it’s natural for her. The nurturing quality occurs easily for her. Men, on the other hand, generally must develop the skill of the heart.

Grief: The skill of the heart

In order for a woman to give herself to a man, to truly open up to him, honor him and desire him sexually, a man must open his heart to her. Speaking from my own experience, although I didn’t realize it until I met Donna, my heart was closed and numb due mostly to social, religious and contemporary western programming. But Donna has taught me, from the wisdom of her feminine heart, the secret key to unlocking my own. She taught me how to grieve…she introduced me to the Beloved, and showed me the liberating power of allowing all my pain to sink down into my heart where it can be acknowledged, soothed and healed.

I went through periods where Donna just held me and I allowed all the painful memories and hurts from the past to enter that tender spot in the center of my chest. Slowly, the walls that I had erected to protect myself began to come crumbling down. And I began to feel, to grieve, to allow the pain as long as it needed to be there, and oddly enough, each time I did this, safe in Donna’s heart and arms, I noticed a heightened sensitivity to everything in life. Even my sorrow and heartbreak became sweet and softened with the surrendering of all my usual strategies of handling and fighting against pain. My intense anger, frustration, anxiety and self-hatred inevitably began to melt away. I learned simply to say “ouch.”

I have learned that we must sit still long enough in order to hear better what unresolved pains exist inside of us, seeing the barriers we have erected around our hearts and minds that are keeping us from embracing our Beloved. If we go back far enough, if we truly listen, we will hear the unresolved pain from the past. If we believe there are none to be heard, then we must be dead because each one of us has sorrow, pain, fear and anxiety in some form; within all of us are hurtful memories and painful traumas from the past. It is all these layers upon layers that have shaped who we are today…they have created our bodies, our moods, opinions, thoughts, beliefs and reactions. But most importantly, they have buried the innocent heart. By slowly opening ourselves to each memory, with compassion and calmness of mind, we can, in time, learn to use marriage as a way to awaken ourselves in the arms of our Beloved. Of course, this cannot be done overnight. It is a process of healing that requires devotion, patience and trust, but who better to share this with than the person we have chosen to marry and love.

It has taken me a long time to fully comprehend how sacred and valuable the process of grieving is. Without grief there would have been no way for me to open myself to Donna. The walls around my heart, built to protect myself from unpleasant and embarrassing memories, would have become taller and stronger in time, leaving me alone and dissatisfied all of my life. When I began to see the glimpse of the Beloved in Donna’s face, I consciously began devoting myself to serving life-principle, to learn how to care for nature, for her, for my body, our cats, trees, insects, to plant wheat, grow sprouts, and most importantly I began to naturally cultivate mercy and compassion toward myself for the first time in my life.

And then a miraculous thing happened. Donna opened more of herself to me and honored me for the things I could offer to the relationship and we have continued to grow closer over the past eight years. And now, each time we make love it is a celebration of all the things we share together - a sacred communion, a dance of the Beloved that we see in one another. And this has opened my eyes to the comforting and soothing presence within me, the natural life-generating state, the Holy Stream of Life. From this wellspring I have learned to go within and drink, to be refreshed as often as I want and need to.

One day, while having lunch with a friend of mine, I listened to his disappointment over a recent argument he’d had with his eighteen-year-old daughter. For several weeks she had refused to speak to him and was avoiding him at family events. As he told me the story I remained silent, didn’t try to offer advice, but instead allowed myself to grieve over this situation with him. He seemed appreciative of my attention. At some point I softly said, “I’m so sorry this has happened to you - it must really be heartbreaking to feel cut off from your child.”

And in the next instant, upon my acknowledging his sadness and grief he snapped “it’s not heartbreaking - it just pisses me off!” I saw across his face the barriers start to rise and harden again. Instead of surrendering his pool of tears into the ocean of compassion, instead of migrating to the shore of the Beloved, my friend once again resorted to anger, shielding himself from the unbearable pain. It was another lost opportunity to surrender into the heart.

Each one of us has two minds; there is the small, petty mind with all of our familiar chatter, our likes and dislikes, rambling on constantly about this and that; and then there is our larger Mind, vast, still, calm. In that mind is the compassion and softness of the Beloved. Sometimes Donna and I call it the Great Heart because it is so expansive, still and peaceful. The unique thing about the Big Mind is that it contains the small mind, but is only apparent when we arrive there through joy or grief. Either vehicle will get us there. And once we experience this Big Mind within ourselves, we can discover the heart of our Beloved - for the love we have for another is no different than the love we have for ourselves, earth, universe and God.

Perhaps there is no more difficult journey to make in this world than that of embracing our grief. Our sorrow is located as an energetic, emotional point between the nipples at the center of the chest, the tender spot on the breastbone. Put pressure on it and sit quietly, feeling the hidden hurt and sensing the pain at that point. Let past memories and images surface, meeting them with compassion and loving-kindness.

Feel your heart break. Feel your sorrow and suffering in not being loved enough - not being handsome or pretty enough - noot being rich enough - educated enough - not being healthy enough to accomplish everything you have desired in this life - surrender into the grief and let it wash over you - let it surround you - then breathe in the sorrow of the past, the regrets of the present, the desires of the future - breathe them in until your heart opens. Let your Big Mind contain your small earthly identity. The Big Mind is the Great Heart-mind. They are inexorably bound together as one.

Whenever possible, share your experience with the woman in your life and invite her to tell you her pain. Eventually, the two of you can learn to float together in the Great Heart, recognizing the face of the Beloved in one another. This is how we learn to use grief as the skill of the heart.

No Heart - No Sex

What I have learned and want to share with men, especially those who are interested in truly loving a woman is that women want to be first in a man’s life. They want to spend time with him, they want to share the common and ordinary moments because in that, they feel secure, refreshed and fulfilled. Women are vehicles of life. They are closer to reality, closer to the present moment when they love. It is difficult for a man to get out of his head, out of his generative organs and into the realm of the heart. We have already seen that the way to achieve this is by embracing grief, opening to compassion, learning to listen to others without trying to fix, offer advice, moralize or condemn. To listen truly is to be quiet in the Great Heart, even while the chattering small mind is squawking loudly.

Women would do well to develop the ability to listen as well. We have all become too busy to sit quiet, receptive and open. It could be one of the last great art forms to develop. If men and women are to finally form satisfying relationships, each is going to have to evaluate all other aspects of life and make some tremendous changes.

For example, when I saw this and began to understand what Donna wanted in relationship to me, I realized how important it was that I re-evaluate everything else in my life…hobbies, finances, job, everything. If she and I were going to be truly happy together, it was going to require a total overhaul of life.

I have always been a very busy and active person. I’ve studied eastern philosophy, various forms of martial arts, kundalini yoga, enjoyed going on retreats, writing, reading and woodworking. And many of these extra-curricular activities required spending time away from Donna. It seemed reasonable that I could have her and other things in my life; but the fact is, if I really valued the heart, it was going to require a lot of care, devotion and focus. Had I not been willing to push aside these other activities and put her first, we would have never attained the satisfying closeness that we have now.

Many guys tell me they want what Donna and I have and I always say, “you can have it as long as you are willing to put your wife (or girlfriend) first. She has to be number one on your list of priorities…before sports, before hunting, before fishing, before children, before the Internet, television, before your career.” The special woman in a man’s life must be what his life is about…not the job, not anything else. That’s the way it is in cultures that still have reverence for the feminine aspect. And I think that is how we need to feel about the environment, the Earthly Mother and the Heavenly Father as well. We should seek to cultivate a priority in our lives, especially in our relationship toward the planet on which we live, our spiritual path and our Beloved.

Life is relatively short. To fill it up with meaningless pursuits and transitory goals is both distracting and devastating to our spiritual evolution. Can we not value love above all else, live a natural, healthy lifestyle, reduce our possessions, and focus instead on the Stream of Life?

Donna and I have seen so many couples who are overly involved in activities such as school, baseball, soccer, football, gymnastics, dance, aerobics, martial arts, etc. It’s not that these things are so bad, but how much is enough? Why can’t families stay home and be together and rest, garden, or make bread together, just doing the simple basics? Why do we have to have large, stately houses, new cars, boats, computers, mobile phones, televisions and video games in every room…homes so cluttered and expensive that both parents have to work fifty plus hours a week to break even and pay the bills. Is there really any satisfaction in that? The average, affluent married man and woman are both tired, exhausted and stressed out, with neither quality time with each other or the children and only on hour (at best) per week to make love. That is certainly not enough time for anyone to feel satiated. No woman or man can get his/her emotional love tank filled that way. All of the things we own will be left behind when we are gone. We should consider the wisdom in getting rid of our unnecessary and accumulated junk, for in truth, all we take with us is the love inside us.

It is perhaps one of the most difficult things in the world to re-prioritize our lives in order to find the essential. And it could take years to work on each aspect before one achieves the level of freedom and fulfillment they desire. We are always pleased to hear another person express to us a longing for a simpler life. The way to start is by taking little baby steps. What makes it hard is the fact that there are few workable models available in the world. Advertisement and television programs promote an unrealistic ideal of affluence and material abundance. Such images are force-fed into us constantly. The drive to buy and consume is tremendous. Change requires a radical shift - such as not watching the news, turning ooff the television, surrounding ourselves with nature, eating a healthy and wholesome diet of fresh fruits and vegetables, leafy greens, nuts and seeds and whole grains, moving away from the harmful things such as animal flesh, pasteurized dairy products, refined flour and sugar, inorganic table salt, alcohol, coffee, prescription and over-the-counter drugs and cigarettes.

But most of all it requires that we begin to value true loving kindness toward at least one special person in our lives - looking for the face of the Beloved in our life partner. When a woman has sex with a man who isn’t capable or willing to open his heart to her, she inevitably suffers horrific feelings of being violated. No wonder so many couples are sexually dissatisfied, no wonder so many are pre-occupied, living burned out, stressful, busy lives chasing the wind of materialism. We believe women have to bury a deep part of themselves in order to have duty-sex with their husbands just to keep peace or the family together. When we listen to some women talking about men it’s obvious how serious and common this problem really is.

Men know when a woman isn’t truly satisfied with them emotionally and sexually. That is why they complain so much to one another, and why many of them have extra-marital relations or become obsessed with pornography. Graphic, sexual pornography is a sad degradation of the feminine spirit. It saddens us that so many women feel they have to do this to make money to survive in this male-dominant civilization. There is always another way. It is always possible to choose a simple life, natural health and spirituality, choices that empower and strengthen us. But it requires education and determination to think outside of the cultural boxes. A large part of what Donna and I do is involved with educating people about the proven, ancient path of primal conscious living, as perfected and practiced by the Greek philosophers, Sumerian mystics in Persia during the time of Zoroaster, the Hindus, with their yogic discipline and the Essene Brotherhood in ancient Palestine. This knowledge is available for us today, a way to live a practical, simple, healthy, spiritual life in devotion to the natural and cosmic forces of the universe.

Our suggestion is this - no heart, no sex. If more women would realize how harmful it is to their own physical and emotional well-being to give themselves sexually to a man just so he can relieve his sexual tension, then perhaps things could finally start to turn around on this planet. Likewise, a man that offers his awakened heart to a woman, with no response in return may in time, inevitably have to consider moving on. It is unfortunate, but there are still many women in the world today who are unable to receive such a gift.

As we stated earlier, in general, a man has to be taught to value and serve something greater than himself, and that something is Life-Principle, of which women represent. But in our computer-driven, greedy, drug-addicted-industrialized-techno-crazy-materialistic-immature society, there are few realistic models, no cultural rituals in place to serve this end. Who is going to assist men in fulfilling their biological and spiritual function if not the women? Our world is fast approaching an opportunity to move straight into a golden age of the awakening of the feminine heart-spirit, where loving kindness for our bodies and our environment must become the most important thing in life - or we can continue the unhealthy, destructive, downward trek of unenlightened mass-hypnosis and devastation of the planet we live on. So many changes have occurred in the last 40 years for women. What we suggest is that women encourage and insist that their husbands and life-partners move to another level in their hu-man evolution, the awakening of the masculine heart - to encourage them to align themselves with the things that create a happy, fulfilling life: nature, fresh air, exercise, relaxation, art, loving-kindness, compassion, simplicity, healthy food, ancient wisdom, love, respect, mercy, calmness, charity, respect for all life, tolerance and inner peace - for it is a fact that throughout his-story, it has been the men that have created destruction, war-machines and committed genocide on other human-beings, biological life and the environment. And it may very well be the women who have to lead the way to the awakening of the heart - one by one. Perhaps a day will come in the not so distant future, when the human species may evolve to the level of the Great Heart, where loving-kindness, maturity and sacred life-generating sexual fulfillment will be as common as the humble grass.

Donna taught me to open my heart. It is what my life has become, to take my place in a larger perspective as a servant of the spiritual forces of LIFE, and in return she has given to me the deepest part of herself - body and mind - offering me the honor, respect and satisfaction I’ve longingly desired from a woman all my life. She has lifted me up into the Great Heart and I am forever grateful.

Do Not Withhold Yourself

“Do not withhold yourself from each other.

To withhold is to lie to yourself

and to each other.

Do not withhold your feelings

but share them openly and with compassion.

Do not withhold your forgiveness

but give it freely as a natural gift.

Do not withhold your delight

but dance and laugh and play with ease.

Do not withhold your body,

but give it often in the myriad ways of passion.”

-From The Couple’s Tao Te Ching


Kevin and Donna are certified teachers of Biogenic Living as taught by the International Biogenic Society in Nelson, B.C., Canada. They encourage us to return to living a simple, natural, creative life, absorbing all the sources of energy, harmony and knowledge in and around us. Relationship and Biogenic fulfillment are only one aspect of the Biogenic lifestyle. Other subjects of related interest include Biogenic Living, Biogenic Meditation and Biogenic Nutrition.

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